You feel different then everyone else. The human landscape is big and wide and rolling and many people are mountains to be climbed or meadows to frolic in, but you feel different. Like a cave or a dark still body of water, something I look at longingly, wondering, how deep does that go? I curled my toes over your edge, feeling pulled in by the mystery. Wondering if I am allowed to go inside… I know I would be gone for a very long time if I begin the exploration…
Last night I dreamt that we were together, and everywhere we went we perfectly comfortable because we were together, because we fit like resting spoons. We went to prison and we were so snuggley safe on the concrete because you had a big sweater, with holes in the elbows, and it kept us both warm. We floated through the ocean on a bunch of reeds and we were so happy to be moving somewhere we couldn’t control. We rode a roller coaster that traveled at great terrifying speeds while we kissed very slowly and softly.
I’ve seen you in the dream world more often then the real one.
I don’t know why, you are in them more than anyone else. Maybe because it is the only way I can see you now. And even when it is a bad dream – it is always nice to see you.
Oh little wildcat baby,
with your red knees with your bramble hair,
You grew up scrambling, playing torpedo games,
practicing you pounce.
Your first words – chanted “beasts, beasts, beasts!”
playing with the briar patch boys and their animals
snapping twigs in your teeth, walking on tip toes,
breaking the things that can’t grow back.
High above the city, in the white room, with the cello playing the sounds that went right to the throat – someplace deep and aching.
I was dancing shyly, and so were you, Stranger.
We would catch each other, staring, in between twirls.
Slowly dancing, closer and smaller until I felt your breathe on my shoulder ~ a weightless eternity of anticipation – the cello vibrating out a high note that stretched that moment forever, the wind whooshed the white sheets as I felt the infinitesimal closer,
And We were one thing
dancing, rolling, floating levitating,
I could feel your heartbeat pressing back under my palm.
When we came together the sun was hight and suddenly it was far gone and we we still lost in each other, lost in the darkness, finding all the ways our fingers could weave together, all the ways our elbows could link and our hips could roll. All the ways you could hold me off the ground, all the ways I could press you down into it. All the ways we tried to separate, and failed, and all the ways that invisible thing pulled us back together again.
My god, dancing together makes me melt melt melt. I want to dance with you, with all of you.
When I go to see you again
I leave during the night, by train of course
I’ll take a cotton nightgown
And a raincoat
And you won’t know I’m coming
Until I’m standing on your stoop
Chewing a stick of licorice
Dripping with raindrops
And I’ll say
I need to tell you a story
Can I stay here the night or shall I come back the next day?
When you ask where I am staying,
With you of course.
I don’t always know what to say to the people who show me their wounds. The ones who peal back the bandaids on their throats and pour out words so heavy they hit the ground like dead meat. I’m not always sure what to say… but I am just so glad you told me… and thank you for that bravery. Thank you for letting the words go out of your body.
I don’t always know what to say but I will listen. I will always listen. And I can’t think of a better use for my arms than to hug you. I can hold on as long as you can. Even if today is not the worst day, and it just get’s deeper and heavier. I will come over and bring you strawberries and wait for you to fall asleep and even then I will stay up to guard you from the nightmares. I don’t know if it get’s better. But I know you don’t have to be alone. Please, stay here with with me. Friend, stay with me.
I was watching his back muscles move
Trying to figure out how he was a river and a boy
in the same space
Carving canyons, scars, rainpaths
and other crying shapes
We climbed up to the tallest cliff together
it took many days and many nights
until we reached the peak
It was the farthest we could go together
I curled my toes over the edge and felt the impossible gravity
The beautiful view,
While he ran, flew, over the edge – sparkling.
I could not follow him.