The Drawing

To Jonas: Here’s the drawing. It still makes me cry whenever I look at it. It is a big rubber band ball of feelings, and a lot more than blue and red lines.

I still don’t totally understand how it does that… perhaps cause it has so many things in it. It is a big bunch of nostalgia and happiness. And is more bitter sweet than the 92% dark chocolate that you can’t eat, but I really love.

It makes me cry because I really like it, and it makes me smell that tea you sent in my favorite envelope.
It makes me cry because it feels really surreal, and nostalgic, and more like a memory than a real thing.
It makes me cry cause I know that if you had drawn it a year ago, I would have been the most happy kid the earth has ever seen and I would have liquified and evaporated right up into the sky. Which would have made it the finest, highest, art there can be.

It makes me cry cause I feel so super dumb for having asked that you to draw it and I really hate that I did that. Cause I never wanted to ask you for anything, but especially for the magic art that comes shooting out of you like lightening ~ and all I ever wanted to be was a tiny spark that would light you up and make you go and go. And if you were ever to draw me I would have wanted it to be cause you were excited about it, like the way you drew Teddy or Torin cause you thought they were awesome (which they are).

It made me cry because I had wondered about it so much ~ how I looked in Jonas’ eyes ~ and how when you’d draw the other girls they’d all come out so fearsome and wild and sexy and innocent all in one person ~ which is what I always want to be. And I’d always hopedreamed that maybe I could be that too. And I’d be badass and maybe have my butterfly net, or my little blue hammer, or spakley paisley in my hair, or a snarl in my teeth, or a dance in my feet or a something….I dunno what you would see. But then I was just laptopping in the midnight mcdonalds… which is a pretty lame sort of something….. but that is how I look right now, and that is how I look when I make a lot of things. I can laptop pretty badass when it comes down to it

I showed the drawing to Meglet and she says it is very beautiful, and she is always right, and it is very so very beautiful. You got the something in the lips ~ the little keyhole in my bottom lip that some boys go looking for.

But mostly it made me cry cause it was so super loud ~~~ and your art had been slowly getting quieter and quieter and in the past year I had stopped feeling like I wanted to line my pockets, and my insides, and my bedroom with it, like it was speaking a language that I was forgetting how to understand. But while you drew it the feeling and the secret language came back and that is most of all where the tears come running out of.

So thank you for drawing it.


~ by warpaintandwandering on January 18, 2013.

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